We continue this week with our series on the biggest Zoo in Londontown: the Underground. And today we’ll discuss the platform. Please, note the platform, not the train. The latter will be the subject of our third and last part.
Unlike the escalator where most species are terrestrial (sightings of Archaeopteryx Pressurisus during rush hour at Euston station last year remain unconfirmed at the time of writing even if witnesses reported seeing a large reptile-like person hovering above passengers on the escalator and moving its? his? her? long, feathered tail from side to side) both on the London Underground’s platforms and trains, water, air and earth creatures mix together.
For instance, take the Boidae punctualis. This is the type of commuter who will stop to nothing to get to his/her favourite spot everyday, every week, every year at the same time. The exactitude with which this animal works is astounding and leading scientists from Imperial College in London have already pointed at possible links with the legendary Giant Anaconda, featured more recently in the 1997 film ‘Anaconda’ starring Jennifer ‘from the block’ Lopez and Ice Cube. Connoiseurs are particularly fascinated by this creature’s sideways swinging movements as they move down the platform towards the point at which the train will open up its door. The same door through which, upon arriving at their destination, the Boidae punctualis will exit and without wasting any time, for he/she has big tasks ahead, will follow the ‘Way Out’ sign with its big yellow letters. I once saw a member of this group crying desolately on the platform floor after a train arrived carrying the sign ‘Door Does Not Open, Please Use Another One’. Paramedics were on the spot and police officers were restraining the commuter after he had tried to strangle a Tapirus indicus, whose only offence was to be visiting London from Malaysia and taking photos of the aforementioned sign.
Another animal whose nature makes him/her stand out amongst the members of the Underground’s fauna is the Strigiforme traynyn tempus, commonly known as ‘Tube owl’. His/her main characteristic is a silent flight along the platform and an obsession with train times. The Tube owl will normally take up their position near the small overhead screen displaying the countdown between trains. He/she will look up at it with its…